When I say 'used to be', I mean 'before I got ill'. Before illness took over my life and I had to leave my job, my university degree and my days as a young, fun-loving student who ran every morning and met new people every day. These days, things are pretty different and it's still taking some getting used to. I decided to write this as a way of collecting my thoughts and moving on, in one direction or another, as at the moment I feel kinda stuck.
Stuck in a body that doesn't work as it should, and a mind that's frustrated at not being able to even dream of making those New Year's resolutions that I used to. I recently wrote a post called '2014: The Highlight Reel' - here - which made me feel immensely grateful and proud of what I managed to achieve last year despite my poor health and being unable to leave my bed most days. When you wake up every day feeling too poorly to lift your head up however, it tends to wear you down and although I'm a very positive and generally cheerful person - it does get hard and I'm not always 100% accepting of my ME. Now is one of those times, and in these moments I really don't feel myself. I am planning on doing a post about my hopes and 'resolutions' - I'll be using that term loosely this year! - but for now, I just feel like being a little bit annoyed about being ill and not attempting to cheer myself up. I'm naturally optimistic, and that sunshine will return in a week or so, but today I'm feeling pretty 'drizzly'. A bit grey, a bit dull, a bit miserable. Sometimes, that's just life.
Since the 1st of January I feel like I hit the ground not running, but barely crawling. As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, a new year used to motivate me no end - and it wasn't really any different as 2014 came to a close, but my body just doesn't co-operate anymore. It turns out, ME really doesn't care whether it's two weeks into 2015 and I still haven't done anything. It's all "are you serious? Christmas was two seconds ago, then you dragged me to a party a week later. I am literally so done with you. Like, I can't even". So, as much as I'd love to dive headfirst into a mountain of work and busy myself with emails, new blog posts, YouTube videos and the like, every day is fairly hellish at the moment and I really haven't got any other option than to put my health first and rest up.
I once heard someone say that ME is like "seeing all of your goals right in front of you, but being attached to a wall behind you by a spring". It's so true. I'm still as motivated, determined and ambitious as ever, but I can't do what I want to do because of having ME. It sucks and I don't always feel like putting on a brave face and pretending that I'm fine with not being able to achieve or do what I long to. Sometimes it's more therapeutic to think "this isn't fair" for a little while then get up - metaphorically, probably - and dust yourself down, accepting the fact that life isn't always fair and you just have to deal with it. So, in the spirit of accepting that life isn't always fair, my goals for 2015 will be ME-realistic and I'll be trying not to put any overly-ambitious pressure on myself. It only ends in disaster anyway and puts me back in bed for longer - and where's the sense in that? Chill, Meg.
If you're feeling like 2015 is off to a flying start and leaving you in the dust, I hope it's some small comfort that I'm left behind in the very same dust, too. And that's okay - it's only a date on a calendar, after all. Yes, it's a time for new beginnings, but maybe our only real goal should simply be to continue doing everything we can to get better. Cheers to that!
How's your 2015 going so far?