You Got This

23 June 2015

There are three little words that I find so comforting. For me, it's almost like that sentence is the closest a sentence can get to a hug from someone you trust wholeheartedly. We're not talking about 'I love you' - we're talking about 'you got this'.

About a year ago, I had to catch a train the following morning and I felt simply... unable. Technically I was 'able' - my condition is at a point where, from time to time, I can physically walk unaided and despite travelling by train being incredibly hard for me still, it isn't the completely impossible notion that it once was. 

Anyway, I was feeling overwhelmed by that extreme difficulty I'd be facing upon awakening and was also in a very 'I. Cannot. Do. It' mindset. It's not a mindset that I often find myself in but there it was, and I had no confidence left in my body's ability to get itself home. When the morning arrived and the time came to get a taxi to the train station, my goodbye with Will ended with an enveloping hug and a "you got this" in my ear. It was a tiny thing but it was also an important thing that I really, really needed. It was the important, comforting thing that I wanted to hear and I stopped thinking 'I can't' and started thinking 'I so can'. I haven't heard it since, but perhaps that's because I'm able to tell it to myself - and if not, Will seems to have an inbuilt "you got this"-sensor.

To be honest I can't even remember that particular journey so it must've been alright - I'm sure my body felt completely and utterly broken as it does on a daily basis, but I did it. I made it when I was sure I couldn't, and I wanted to share that with you today.

'You got this' applies to countless situations, I feel. It's not saying 'just do it', it's saying 'however long you need and whatever roads you need to take, it's fine - you'll get there, and you're stronger than you know'. Whether you're leaving your job for a new one, getting out of a harmful relationship, bringing up a child, starting a blog, coming out to your family, waking up to fight your chronic illness another day, attempting to get the wings of your eyeliner even, about to sit an exam... it's always relevant.

Just in case you haven't heard it enough lately or indeed ever, or you tell yourself 'I can't' so much you've started to believe it, or you don't have anyone to squeeze your shoulder and say three little words - this one's for you. Every situation of your existence so far that you told yourself you couldn't get through, you got through. Every day of your life so far that you thought you couldn't face, you've faced. So, I say with confidence... got this.

Let's Have A Catch Up, Shall We?

2 June 2015

Today was the first day in a really long time - months upon months, we're talking - that I actually felt motivation to blog. And when I say that I don't mean my usual, 'ah, I really should get some blogging done' or other similar sentiments, I mean actual motivation. Not just a 'want' but almost a 'need' to sit down with a cup of tea and just write. So, where to start? I feel like I've written this paragraph a couple of times before, maybe. I've blogged just over ten times in 2015 so far, which makes me sad - blogging was how I got into this whole virtual world, it was where I began and now I've... kind of moved onto other things. And been held back by other commitments, and distracted by various plans. Is it time to commit to blogging again? I think it is!

Commitment is a rather scary word when you're chronically ill. How can you possibly commit to something when you're never sure how you're going to feel when you wake up? It's something I really struggle with. I want to be able to do a lot, desperately so, but I live in a body that's temperamental and if we're going to be frank; a body that can't really handle commitment. It makes it difficult to get anything done. It makes it difficult to feel like you're achieving anything or going anywhere. Saying that however, just because it's difficult it doesn't mean that I shouldn't do it at all. Just because it's difficult, it doesn't mean that it can't be done.

Like two friends who haven't seen each other properly for a few months and have been keeping up with one another thanks to Instagram posts, shall we have a catch up?

First things first, I should probably mention that I'm no longer working and haven't been since the beginning of April. You might already know that I got a job working in PR, managing the social media of a health company and writing their blog. It was a really fantastic position and one that I felt extremely lucky to have landed. Sadly, it was taking too much of a toll on my health and I physically couldn't keep up with the workload - so despite loving having a little of my independence back, singlehandedly running multiple websites proved too much. It wasn't a challenging role nor were the hours long but it was pushing my fragile body too far which was causing stress and ultimately, health comes first. So, there's that!

I've been mainly channeling my efforts into YouTube, which I'm really enjoying right now. It feels good to be doing something so rewarding, as the comments just make my day and I feel like I'm interacting with people via a medium that I find fun and engaging. It takes a lot of planning and patience, but some exciting things have been going down and it's one hundred per cent worth the spoons! If you've been wondering where I am or you've been missing my posts, you can check out my channel here - I try to post weekly, so if you don't see me around these parts you can come and watch me chat away over in YouTube-Land!

As for life outside of social media, I recently travelled to Newcastle with my parents for an appointment with Professor Julia Newton - you can learn more about her and her work in this interview if you'd like! - and I can write a blog post about the appointment if anyone is interested, but to sum it up I've now been referred to a sleep clinic, am undergoing further tests to see whether any of my symptoms can be helped by medication or treatment and I've got the beginnings of a new pacing plan. All steps in the right direction, I feel! My family, friends, Will and the cats are all well and good. I don't get to see everyone as much as I'd like to due to my health, but time with any loved ones is always appreciated.

My goals for this week are blog-related; I've been sketching out a redesign in my head for a good six months and it'd be great to make some progress with that, I'd like to plan out a couple of weeks' worth of posts and start working on them, and finally I'm thinking of putting together a little blog schedule. As I mentioned earlier, commitment is hard with chronic illness - but you're all so understanding that I feel like if I did my best nobody would mind whether a post came late or not at all. I'm also really lucky to be able to feel like that, so thank you!

I think that's about it! So, how about you? I'd love to hear what you've been up to and how you've been. Most people send me emails - you can find my contact information here - but I'm just as happy to hear from you in the comments and I'll always do my best to reply to everyone. I'm really excited to catch up - it's a nice little friendship we've got going on here, hey?